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How to honor a change in plans?

September 16, 2016

 

A few months ago in my newsletter, I mentioned that some big changes were ahead...

and that I didn’t want to share about it quite yet and would in time.   

 

I have been through many significant changes in the past few years, gratefully.  Though all of it was not easy by any means, some of it was joyful, some life-changing, and all of it was important and necessary.

  • I adopted a healthy senior kitty (as my vet calls Moon Star), the first time in years and years that I had a cat.
  • I moved to a new, unfamiliar part of town after being in the same place for years.
  • I took a promotion and reduced my daily stress significantly.
  • I began seeing a naturopath (big shout out to Dr. Tom Messinger of Portland Natural Medicine), and had to face the facts of my weight and health. A year later, I weighed 100 pounds less and my health and life were restored to me.  
    • With that, I made the very difficult decision to return to eating animal protein, after over a decade of staunch vegetarianism and veganism. I still am a vegan in my heart, as factory farming of animals is the most appalling thing ever, although the destruction and polluting of our precious topsoil and water is its twin. I came to peace with that, however, and thank every animal I take in for returning my health and life force to me.
  • Martha Beck’s Life Coach Training and I found each other, and life has exploded with joy and healing ever since. I am so honored to coach others using her great wisdom, humor, and processes. (AND, guys, I got COACHED by her myself a few weeks ago!  A.MAZ.ING. So very grateful. You just feel like you are in the sweetest hug you could ever imagine.)
  • Prior to and then strongly during both the weight loss and training processes, I knew it was time for my long term relationship to come to a close. There was much grief, and it was thankfully a loving and mutual parting.
  • I began my coaching practice.
  • I very unexpectedly got reacquainted with a childhood friend (the odds were 1 in 2.3 million, and we hadn’t seen each other since high school), and began a very special relationship that has been healing and transformative and joyful beyond words.   

At some point during all of the above, I had the idea show up of relocating to my hometown, returning to the Midwest after having left 20 years ago as something interesting, of curiosity, and then even compelling to contemplate. At some point I arrived at the arbitrary time frame of moving in Fall 2016.

 

It seemed the most logical place to go to regroup, and I began, slowly, planning on this, beginning about a year ago.

Up until about a month ago, it was very much in the works, to the point of me purging and packing, and looking for work and apartments.  

 

Yet.

 

Beginning a few months ago, I had friends, and coaches I’ve worked with, reflect to me that when I spoke about the move, they heard and felt no energy from me about it.  

 

First it was a dear, close friend who sat with me and sketched out what she was sensing: “I don’t feel any good energy as you are talking about it, WHY are you going there exactly?”  I was a bit surprised, but didn’t think too much about it, shared my reasoning, and kept up with my plans.  

 

Second, I began working with a dear master coach about my plans for my coach practice and the move, and she said nearly The Exact Same Thing. She reflected that “it sounds good on paper, logical, but what is your heart really saying about it?”  

 

Whew.

 

Then, I heard the same message from two more coaches I don’t know that well with whom I spoke about it.  One coached me using her highly-skilled intuitive methods which made my jaw drop with her pinpoint accuracy of my overall situation - like scary how-could-she-know-that accuracy, and asked me to examine my Whys about it all, deeply.  

 

And so I did. And it was if all the lights came on, all the bells rang, and something went POW inside and woke me up.

 

I got honest with myself, and saw the truth of my entire situation. I didn’t have the right energy for it.

 

My heart wasn’t in it. 

 

The thoughts of it being interesting, curious, logical to move to my hometown to experience what it was like going home after having left at 18 were not compelling enough to make me uproot myself, were not the right reasons to change my life so drastically.

 

It was hard to tell some of my family and friends that I was putting the move on hold, as many of my Midwest peeps were excited to hear I would be in closer proximity. Yet, being who they are, they were all understanding and supportive. 

 

I share all this because there was this old part of me that came back and kept saying, “you have to go through with this, you have to keep your word, you said you were going to move, you’ll let people down and you can’t do that, what will others think of you backing out of your plans…” All those fear-based thoughts kept coming up, and I felt confused and torn up.

 

A couple days after being coached by Martha Beck, and it being revealed that some of my deepest fears and hurts actually started at age four, not 14 when my mother died as was always my story, I had a particularly cathartic night about everything happening in my life. 

 

It was full on, full out, full in, everything you can imagine and more about the true dark night of the soul.

 

I was more honest with myself about literally every single thing about myself and my life and my way of being - and I mean everything down to the core of how I have operated for years on a subconscious and even unconscious level… some of it was not pretty, to say the least; some of it was painful, humbling, horrifying, and all true.  

And, it was all honoring and necessary and illuminating and clearing.  

And then, I felt this tremendous calm and peace and freedom.  

 

I forgave myself; I asked for the forgiveness of those I’ve affected negatively even with the best of intentions; and, asked for forgiveness of my Divine. With that, I released energetic connections I needed to, was responsible for.

 

It then was so clear that I needed to put a halt on my plans, and let others think what they will. It’s none of my business what they think; they are free to think whatever they like and I respect that.

 

Now I feel great relief, and a world of possibility ahead; the hometown may still be a destination, I’m not ruling it out, I’m just ruling everything else in.

 

I still see and plan on big changes ahead, including coaching full time as soon as is feasible. And, I’m having so much fun dreaming new things. And, I have no time frame on anything. I feel such freedom and joy and hope and curiosity. Letting go of that plan is allowing surprises to be able to show up that never would have had the chance to before.  

 

The big lessons for me are:

  • To be honest with oneself no matter how hard it is: Truth is always kind, if not easy, and always brings big gifts.
  • To be willing to change plans no matter how far along they are: If it doesn’t feel right, it most likely isn’t right. 
  • To honor yourself first and always, to stay in your integrity, and let others take care of themselves and their integrity. It’s the only way to have true, loving, respectful relationships.
  • To challenge my thoughts constantly. As in: Don’t believe everything you think. I’ve recently learned we think 60-70,000 thoughts a day, and 90% of them are the same as the day before. If we want a different life, we have to examine our thinking and think different thoughts.

Freedom and a deeper sense of love and light have been the result of this whole process for me. I am grateful for all the guidance and events and people that made this possible.

I have had a song lyric of Sting’s as a guiding principle in my life since hearing it in my 20s:

 

From the wound a lovely flower grew.

 

We can let our wounds fester and scar and continue to make us suffer, or we can transform our pain into beauty.  I choose growth and a beauty-filled world.

With love and peace,
Lauren

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Comments

7 Comments
I can totally relate! Good for you Lauren!
By: Amy pearson on September 16, 2016
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By: Dawn on September 16, 2016
Beautiful insights and bold conclusions. Thank you for sharing your journey, Lauren. You are lighting the path for others!
By: Brooke on September 16, 2016
I wish we could have all of these awesome realizations when we are like 27 and be done with it already--and just start living. I have created a ton of moving-related drama recently and can totally relate.
By: Sara on September 16, 2016
You go girl!! ð
By: Sue on September 17, 2016
I can totally relate! Good for you Lauren!
By: Amy pearson on September 17, 2016
Laure this was the most perfect message for me today. I have been thinking, dreaming and planning for many things. There have been many changes in my life that has caused me to re-evaluate, recreate what I have been dreaming of. This means I have to say no to a friend so I may create something else. Thank you for sharing your story, your journey of awareness.
By: Tina Rea on September 17, 2016

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